Friday, February 15, 2013

nothing good comes from sitting in that chair

That chair.

I hate that chair.

That chair is where I've been pricked, and pronged and told good luck by ladies in scrubs who have no idea why their really taking my blood. That chair is where I was told to go, day after day, until the doctors could confirm the terrible, terrible news that everyone knew had already happened anyway.  That chair is where I cried silent tears as I flashed a half smile to the ladies thinking their hard work was going to reap the benefit of me getting the happiest news of my life.  That chair is where I sat, knowing in the pit of my being that M had come and gone and I would never quite be the same again.

{ I never wanted to see that chair again. }

However it happened, I found myself in that chair this week...... again.  The nurses pricked and pronged and told me good luck and I just stared, knowing that nothing good comes from sitting in that chair.

You can call later for the results, she told me with a grin on her face as I stood up to leave.

I flashed her a half-smile {as best as I could} and thought to myself, I can't call you because if I hear you tell me it's negative over the phone, I'll never get those words out of my head. 

I drove home in the rain and prayed to God, asking Him to just please make the darn thing positive.  As in, if I'm not really pregnant yet, couldn't He just wave a fancy wand and make it happen so I can just move on from all of this mess?

In the car, I heard a song on the radio and thought to myself, this is God speaking to me..... telling me it's going to be positive.

If we hope hard enough, sometimes we can convince ourselves of anything.

My husband and I sat down for dinner, trying to ignore the big-fat-elephant-in-the-room.  A notification popped up on my iPod touch.... You have new mail.

And just like that, we read the news on a screen that only confirmed that things aren't quite right yet.

Life after M has been all sorts of difficult and we have a ways to go before things will be right again.

And just as I already knew,

just as I had already experienced,

absolutely nothing good comes from sitting in that chair.

1 comment:

  1. All I can say is "I know." I know that chair intimately. Please know this- in my heart I'm holding you up to the Father. We love you!
    Linda and Guy