Friday, September 27, 2013

remembering M

Yesterday, we remembered and grieved the loss of our dearest M -- the child we never got a chance to hold, or kiss, or even see.

My runner-man and I took the day off from work. We had decided ahead of time that we would write letters to commemorate the day -- a letter to M from each of us.

We painted a wooden chest the most pink of pale-ballet-pinks and I sewed M a baby blanket. 


As I held the blanket in my arms, I couldn't help but think of how small and delicate M was when she went. The questions of why and how and for what purpose flooded my heart.

God did not answer me. He remained silent, as silent as He has been for some time now.

It was a really sad and painful day, with the tiniest {I mean tiniest} bouts of peace hidden far beneath the tears and the heaviness.

Is this a holy struggle, losing M?  Does God have a purpose for this pain?  Will I ever see redemption?  Will I ever feel whole again?

No one one tells you that it's going to be this hard -- following God, being married, having a baby, suffering devastating losses. But I am told that love is stronger than death. That there is a love -- God's love -- that conquers all fear, all pain, all loss.

And though He has been quiet -- seemingly turning his face as I cry out for refuge and new life -- I know better than to believe that He has left me entirely.

He is somewhere in the midst of this, holding me as I remember M.

Lord, let it be so.

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